I'm doing OK. Surprisingly OK.
I feel at peace that these things happen for a reason. It's out of my control, it wasn't caused by something I did or didn't do. It just wasn't meant to be.
I think what makes it easier to cope, is that it happened so very early on in the pregnancy. I don't need a d&c (scrape), and there wasn't a heartbeat at all yet. I'm sure these things are much more traumatic once one has actually seen or heard the heartbeat, or when one needs a hospital procedure after a miscarriage, or if it's further along in a pregnancy.
No mistake, I was an emotional mess the first two days, even refusing to talk to anybody on the telephone due to being so very tearful... But then I accepted what had happened, and realised that I am truly ready to try conceive again as soon as possible.
I had a check-up at my gynea yesterday. She initially said I don't even need to come in for a check-up, it's unnecessary, but I wanted closure, and I'm glad I went. Everything looks fine and normal, and we can TTC (try to conceive) immediately. She recommends that I carry on with my pregnancy vitamins, and take Inofolic supplements too, which is a form of folic acid. She also gave me two blood test forms to use when I get my next BFP (big fat positive) - I must go for the hcg-count and progesterone blood tests 48 hours apart, to see that all is as it should be. If I had done it this way last week, we would have known from the start that the pregnancy was not viable...
The gynea says that miscarriages before 5 weeks of pregnancy are extremely common - often women don't even know they were pregnant to begin with and think it's just a late cycle. It just has to do with the way the cells came together or the way they had to implant, that it just doesn't always work out the way it should. She called it a 'chemical pregnancy'.
I feel a bit betrayed by my own body... I am also astounded at the power of the mind - I felt so pregnant, I was experiencing typical pregnancy symptoms such as extreme tiredness, hunger, heightened sense of smell, sensitive boobs... Now I'm not sure if those were all imagined, some how.
Wyn has been a rock of support this week, making dinner, letting me take things easy. He takes an infuriating approach of "shit happens"... But he's also positive that we'll fall pregnant again as soon as possible.
Mia doesn't really understand... But she has been so, so special, wiping my tears and hugging me lots. She brought me the pregnancy book and said "let's see how baby is growing", and I told her there is no baby anymore, she said, "who took our baby?" which set off my waterworks again, so she fetched a tissue and wiped my tears again. Then she got another tissue, but looked all perplexed when she saw the tears had stopped, so she said, "cry mommy, cry for our baby!" Which got me into a fit of both laughter and tears, because it's so sad, and funny, and a lil bit twisted.
I do, however, understand now why so many people wait until 8 weeks, or even 12 weeks, before sharing the news of their pregnancy with their family and friends. The job of having to tell everyone, family, friends, forum friends and Facebook friends that the happy news I shared two weeks ago, is now no more... was quite emotionally draining. But the support was amazing, I got so many special messages from so, so many people, and I appreciated each and every one of them. I'm sure that's another reason why I'm coping so well, because I have had so many thoughts and prayers coming my way!
Next time around, I will only tell close family and friends, and not shout it from the roof tops like I did... Which is a pity, I like to share good news... But I'll definitely be more cautious next time.
I am very keen to TTC immediately, and I hope that within no time at all I'll be able to carry on where I stopped off, with baby shopping, chatting to Mia about being a big sister, thinking about the sleep deprivation I'm in for, etc.
But for now... I will enjoy my glass of wine still!