Monday, March 24, 2014

Oh my defiant child!

Mia has been challenging me very much lately.  We were very lucky in that we never really experienced the "terrible-two's" stage, but oh my word, the "throttling-three's" sure is making up for it...

I'm not sure if she's just testing her boundaries, whether it's just a phase, whether it's to do with the impending arrival of a baby sister - or probably a combination of all of these... But I am at my wit's end, my patience is running on empty, and mommy-guilt is at an all-time high.

Everything is a fight!  To get her to go to the toilet when she wakes up in the morning.  To get her to settle on a choice of clothes for the day.  Then she insists on choosing her own panty and taking ages at doing so.  I've stopped giving her a choice as to what she wants for breakfast, as it's just easier to prepare what I have time for, some mornings I can do oats, some mornings we need to do Pronutro if we're running late, some mornings we have time for her to take her time over her marmite toast.

Luckily she goes to school happily and easily - although once we get there she does hang onto me as I put her lunchbox in its place and sign her in - but she kisses me goodbye and doesn't make a scene.  Pick-up time is also easy.  The only issue is in the car - she insists on getting in and out by herself - which actually suits me just fine because it breaks my back to pick her up and load her in... But by doing it herself, she sure takes her sweet time, finding an old biscuit and eating it, taking her shoes off and putting them back on again, or just standing in the car looking around, or sliding out of the car at a snail's pace...

Then, nap-time.  She still needs her nap.  She snoozes from about 2pm til 3h30.  If she skips her nap, she's miserable by late afternoon.  But she really is starting to resist having her sleep - once she's on her bed she's fine and content, but getting her to stop whatever she was doing when naptime arrives is the problem.  She says no, she cries, she throws things.  Then when I shout at her she cries even more and I feel like a villain.

Supper time had been relatively easy a while ago, recently she's become even more fussy.  I'm so over having to beg and plead to get her to eat a decent amount of food!!

Then, when we tell her it's bathtime, another fit of yelling no, crying, us shouting.  Once she's in the bath, she's happy as a pig in mud, keeps telling us she's not finished bathing yet ("just three more hours", she says!) until we have to start being all firm and pulling the plug and lifting her out of the bath amidst her protests and tears.  I can't, I can't do this anymore!!!

Now, I really want to get this under control before baby Ella arrives.  Because if this continues, I will soon be crazy person.

I realise that I literally don't know how to handle her - as Wyn tells me, Mia's the boss of me. I let her get away with things too easily, I give in too easily, I am too lenient with her...

We have a few options open as discipline methods.  I'm not keen on giving hidings.  It's just not in my nature. I have previously once or twice given her bottom a smack, but I feel so bad afterwards.  My heart just breaks if I see that precious lil face crumple up and cry. (See, I'm too soft!!)  Wyn doesn't mind giving hidings, but it hasn't often been necessary.  Mia has always reacted very well to our tone of voice, and being quite obedient if we speak to her firmly, and she hates it if we raise our voices to her.

We haven't ever tried the naughty corner/ naughty chair approach - it just hasn't ever been necessary.  They use this method at school, so I think it should work at home too.  I just need to figure out at which point in the battle-of-wills it is that I send her to the naughty corner - once again, I'd probably be too lenient.

Another thing we could try is taking away perks like her late-afternoon tv time, her after-dinner ice lolly that she loves, her bath toys, or her bedtime story.

This morning I tried to reason with her.  Explaining to her how it doesn't have to be a fight the whole time, I don't want to fight with her, but I need her to listen to me, when I ask her to do something, she mustn't say no and get cross, she must say yes mommy... At the end of this lil pep talk I asked her if she understands.  She said, "I don't understand why you are shouting at me."  Aaaargh!

I just really want to focus on getting a hold on handling this situation better, and to not feel so out of my depth.  I have come really close a few times during this last week, to really "losing it" and wanting to rant and rave and yell and shout - and I really don't want that to happen.

Mia is a sensitive, perceptive, intelligent child.  I really think she's just realised how she has me wrapped around her little finger, and now that she's pushing the limits and I'm resisting, we really are bumping heads and clashing.  And it's not nice!! I've always hated confrontation. I like to get along, I like peace, I like quiet and calm.  Oh dear.

xx

14 comments:

  1. Welcome to my world, and I think the world of many. She's testing your boundaries, or as DH's tells me "he's manipulating you Helen, put your foot down"
    Sometimes it's just easier to give in than fight the fight. DH says I explain too much. I like Liam to know why he's being punished. I talk, talk, talk and talk some more with no results. Then I tell him "I'm starting to get cross. By the count of 3 you must........." add your thing here. He usually starts moving by 2.
    Sometimes when a trantrum is bad I have to drag him to his room and tell him he's not allowed to come out until he's done whining.
    You know what, there is no answer to this. Kids are kids and I'm convinced that most of them are the same. You have to find what works for you.
    Good Luck Jess, it's tough, but like they say "this too shall pass" I'm still waiting :-)

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this battle, and from all the other comments below, I really see it is the norm and this is just what kids do.
      LOL @ still waiting for "this too shall pass"!
      xx

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  2. Oh my friend, you have all my sympathy... I have a very stubborn little dude and the way you describe how Mia is currently is very often his behaviour too. What worked well for me is to warn him in a stern voice "Jamie I'm going to count to 3 and if you don't get out of the bath, go wee, stop what you are doing, or whatever, I'm going to...". Usually the warning includes the naughty corner, no sweets for the day or a smack on the bum which he is really scared of, so he has learned his lesson and mostly this works. But only after he learned that it's not empty promises, so I have to be consistent with this and follow up with my warning. I am soft too according to Johnathan and often when I get to 3, I will tell him I'm giving him one last chance.

    My problem with such behaviour is hubby though, I can still remain patient, but he has no patience with Jamie, like yesterday when we were in Baby City and Jamie didn't want to get in the car... oh oh oh then it's big trouble for Jamie.

    Really hope Mia gets over this stage too, as this is not her nature to be so stubborn... hope it's just a QUICK-QUICK phase for her... one you don't really need at this stage, so sending you big hugs!

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    1. Hmm, true @ needing to be consistent and follow through on warnings. I think that's gonna be my saving grace, I need to show Mia I'm serious when I tell her no pudding/no tv/no story time.
      Thanks for hugs, appreciate!
      xx

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  3. Hi Jess. I tend to agree with the other ladies, especially with the comment Helen made, Kids are kids. My little girl is only 10 months now, so I cant exactly relate, but I have a huge family with lots of babies and toddlers, even with my brothers being much younger than me I've observed the behaviour you are talking about.

    They go through stages where their little brains developed a new part, at that age they start to learn that they have a choice in everything. Its only natural for them to explore this thought. I cant comment on discipline because I believe that every family and every child is different, so different methods work in different families. When I was a child hidings worked with me, but never my brothers, taking their privileges away worked with them but didn’t phase me.

    My sister-inlaw has 3 girls, aged 5,3 and 8 weeks. And peace, order and calmness is not how you would explain their daily lives, although they are great parents, their kids go to private schools and they try and bring them up in Godly homes, KIDS are KIDS. Try and not take it personal. Also..please remember you are at your last stage of pregnancy, feeling overwhelmed and anxious about everything is totally normal. Ask Dad to help with the discipline. Girls often listen to their dads more easily than their moms. Good luck! : )

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    1. Hi Barney, thanks so much for your comment, I appreciate so much!
      Makes sense about the stages they go through and the way they learn and explore.
      And you're so right that late stage of pregnancy is making my experience of this worse than necessary, I am just more irritable and short-tempered than usual!
      Thanks for popping in!
      xx

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  4. I've made the move. Check me out on https://helenj77.wordpress.com. I haven't got the hang of it yet, so I just posted a tester. I'm sure I'll get better. Pop in if you want to join me

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    1. Woohoo, yay!! :-D Thanks for letting me know, will add you to my blogroll so I can pop in often. Enjoy!
      xx

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  5. Hello Jess, You are not alone. We all have kids that test us and you are not a bad Mom. I hear you on the hidings, and we have never given Honeybear a hiding (yet…it could happen, I hope never). We have had the terrible twos for a while now and I found that the naught corner is not for him being naughty, it is for mama or papa to take moment and breathe and calm down before you reach breaking point. I am far from being an expert and Honeybear throws horrible tantrums. I find if I am distracted or I need to something (something I consider important), Honeybear is more likely to push my buttons. It is usually our state of mind that decides how serious a tantrum is. I also have to find what is important to me. If he does not eat dinner, is it such a huge deal? I would rather be firm on holding my hand in the parking lot. I have devised 3 bath options so I offer choices and not a yes/no situation. Bath, shower with mama/papa or spray (hand shower in the bath). For morning wake ups, I have to wake earlier and make a plan, so he can take his time waking. Again offer options…let us go to the toilet so we have time for some Barney or a ride on the bike. We try to allow enough time for a two year old’s whims. So what if he wants to wear two different socks? I will think it looks cute while hubby thinks it is embarrassing. I think you need to choose battles, it is easier to have fewer than every single one. Good Luck!

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    1. Hi there mama-cat, thanks so much for popping in and for your comment, I appreciate so much!
      It definitely helps to know I'm not in it alone.
      Hehe, true @ naughty corner time-out being more of a breathing space for the parents!
      I also like to allow time for her whims and fancies - but I think maybe late stages of pregnancy is causing me to be a bit more impatient and irritable than usual.
      I agree @ choosing battles!
      Thanks!
      xx

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  6. DEFINITELY not alone! :-) I found the trying-threes much worse than the twos. For both Munchkin and Sweetpea ... I also get the fights about what to wear and getting into and out of the car seat taking FOREVER ... fussy eating etc etc etc.

    I am not really a very patient person by nature so the constant battles with the girls really really get to me and I find myself grinding my teeth to not scream at them. We don't hit either ... neither hubby or I can bring ourselves to do it though sometimes I almost wish I could! :-(

    We use the naughty chair and the taking away of privileges as well. I also find that when giving them a choice is best to limit the options. Like for what to wear in the mornings ... take out 2 or 3 options at the most. Otherwise we find they will uhm and ah and stand in front of their cupboard for AGES!

    It is a stage though ... and it does get better. Munchkin is much better now (though we have different battles and issues at her age than with Sweetpea at 3-ish)

    I don't think there is a magic way to deal with this ... I really wish there was ... I would sell my car to buy it!!!! :-) Helen is right ... Kids are kids ... they all do this and then this stage passes and the next one brings a different set of challenges :-)

    Good Luck!!!

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your experiences Nusha, I appreciate so much! Oh gosh @ your girls giving you the same grief as Mia's been giving me!
      I'm definitely going to start that suggestion for getting dressed in the morning, where I give her a choice between two or three outfits, because the way she stands on a chair infront of her cupboard, choosing party dress after party dress and having me say 'no, we're going to school, not to a party' over and over!
      Ah you're right about how one stage passes and then the next stage has its own challenges...
      Thank you!
      xx

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  7. Well welcome, I am pretty sure I have platinum member status in this club. I started writing a comment that turned out to be an essay so I will send you an email instead. Don't worry, with a few small changes you will be able to get a handle on this, and PS this is NORMAL behaviour for her age.

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    1. Oh LOL @ platinum member, hehe.
      Thanks so much for your email, really so helpful and I really like the idea of the reward chart.
      You're an awesome mommy Rox!
      xx

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Would love to hear from you! :-)